The New Story is Very Different

Overstressed Parents Are Trying to Raise Kids

What About the Family?

What About Mom?

Decades ago, Bumstead in the cartoon Blondie, started the jokes about dear, old, bumbling, Dad. It would still be funny but some folks now take it as a comment on modern family life.

This coincides with Mom taking on two jobs. The focus has turned to Mom and the heavy load she has. In the process, Dad seems to be losing his muscle.

Most Dads today are very pleased to share the load of family breadwinner. They are also glad to lose the label of Family Boss. They know that teamwork works best.

There is a snag in all this. With all the attention on Mom, kids can get warped views of men and women. Both girls and boys continue to need to see Dads as strong and brave - doing guy things. They will enter their later adult relationships holding family views of adult roles.

In the old days, the dominant male style wasnt the best for children. Now, any dominant female styles will also do kids a disservice.

So, this comes down to the old story. Mom and Dad must make sure they have their act and their signals straight to do the best job for the kids. This is true regardless of family structure or orientations.

Wars between Mom and Dad are the worlds most damaging experiences for children. In wars, nobody is right. In wars, nobody wins.

In our day, Moms are trying to do two or more jobs - well. By her taking a breath, Dad, the kids and the grandparents can share in the heavy lifting.

Betsey Hart, Chicago radio station WYLL says If Dads are there at all, its SuperMom handling everything.

Look Whats Happening to Mom and Dad:

Looks Whats Happening to the Family

Whats Driving this Family Imbalance?

How to Correct All This Family Fragmentation

What is this all about? The proposition is this: Just as our words and language create human communication, so joining creates our families.

We are steadily learning that there is a big difference between hearing and listening. Now we are learning that this thing called Joining actually shapes our families.

To get at this lets look at three levels of human communication: chatting, conversation and joining.

Most of us have lots of chat. We cover the worlds weather, national crises and Aunt Ednas rheumatism. We can have a lot of chatting without much connection from all the talking. We fill our world with words either within the family, with others or from all the media. Shakespeares line is Sound and fury signifying nothing.

At the conversation level, things are different talking, hearing and listening really happen. When the other person talks, I not only hear but I listen - which means I let his/her talk sink in. So at this level, in a conversation, there can be both hearing and listening - creating understanding between persons.

The claim here is that joining actually creates families. To better understand this, we had better see what joining really means. The word suggests one person actually joins the space of another. If I say to you Im having a lousy day, you actually start to feel with me my lousy day. Even more importantly, if you respond with something like I thought you looked a little down today, that tells me you are with me.

What just happened here? One person left his own self concerns to move into the world of another. That is a very big deal. Why? Because two people forged a link. Relationships are built when two individuals join with each other by sharing what they are thinking and feeling - both ways.

Families are where our lives are intimately linked. The members are part of each other. Joining is how all this happens.

We all know how to be well: eat right, exercise, good relationships, prayer, be useful, learn and taste the arts. We also know that our wellness prevents illness; it helps us even if we do get sick. We are happier when we are well. Most of all we want our kids to be well.

So why arent we as well as we can be?

There are two big answers to that big question. First, we lose sight of our wellness because we are so busy and so distracted. Who has time to think about doing all the things that make us well? What a bind we are in!

Second, we have the habit of looking to someone else when we have a wellness problem. If we think we are sick we look on TV or the internet for a silver bullet. Or, we get a doctors appointment where we end up with some drug.

With the focus off our wellness and looking for someone else to help, we miss the wellness benefits.

So what do we need to do to be well? We need to take time to scan our wellness list to see what we most need doing. Then we need to do something now.

How can we get something done when we are so busy? A simple goal does the job - In eight weeks I will take time to read a book Ive always meant to. How can I be sure I will bother? By writing the goal and result down and asking someone to help me keep track.

How will reading that book help my wellness? My rushing is unhealthy. Reading can break that cycle. By reading I stimulate my mind - learning is a big wellness step.

The way to wellness is to look up, take one small step then think about the next step a bit later.

According to the book The Wellness Revolution by author Paul Zane Pilzer, we have a wellness crisis. That also means we have an illness crisis. But these are quite different things.

We all know what illness is. What is not so clear is that curing illness doesnt mean the results equal wellness. By definition wellness is not the absence of illness. So our big Health Care System with its enormous costs is not in the wellness business. Its cures merely get us back to where we were - well or not well.

So we know that solving illness doesnt necessarily bring about wellness. That is because wellness is much bigger than physical health. As we all know, our wellness depends upon our fitness, our relationships, our study and work, our spirituality and our creativity.

Hence, health care as we know it is a small part of a big thing. This we now know from the internet. There, we can get information on every possible human interest. The internet is playing havoc with health care as we know it. Now, patients can use the internet to know more about a condition than the doctor. At the same time, because of all the information patients can get from the internet, doctors can no longer keep up with all the new drugs and treatments. All this calls for cooperation and teamwork between doctors and patients - the doctors are still the professionals.

So, we have a crisis. This shows up sometimes tragically. When a drug is prescribed with unfortunate side effects, health can get worse fast. Doctors and druggists are now being bombarded with customers bringing the latest from the internet. Both are so pressed with demands they cannot attend properly to all these requests.

So waiting lists grow longer, health care costs sky rocket and medical mistakes are increasing fast.

All this doesnt deal with wellness. Thats because wellness requires a range of good things. Only the family can see to its own fitness, learning, vocations and prayer life. These together are what make for wellness. The familys wellness combination is the only way to prevent or cope with illness and its suffering.

So, according to Pilzer, we are in a revolution in health care and family wellness. The internet will play a huge part in this new era. But, the focus of wellness can only be the family.

We are going from an old world to a new world. In the old world, things were black or white; good or bad. That is silly because nothing is bad or good in itself except God. Everything and everybody are becoming better or worse. Nothing stays still. This is the new and real world.

In this new world, we all get to make big choices. How will we use our brains, eyes, ears and tongues? We can go for better or worse. We do it all the time. This steady stream of decisions makes us who we are.

So it is just plain silly to delude ourselves with ideas that this or that, he or she, is good or bad. They are all constantly changing. On this there is good news and bad news.

The good news is that goals to be better steer us to become stronger, wiser and more loving. We are pointed in the direction of the full life.

The bad news is that negative choices are the slippery slope to disease, weakness and early death.

The good in life comes when we set and stick to positive goals. We learn that the good life comes from regular disciplines of thinking and doing. So, life is like marriage, it works when we work at it. It is tough to do.

The bad and sad life is much easier. When we just let things happen and let our natures call the shots, then things dont go well and usually we get into ruts and addictions which blind us. We wake up one day and wonder why life is so rotten.

There is a super arena where all these things get worked out. Ours is a life of relationships - there is no such a thing as an independent person - although we like to think so. Our real selves are shaped by those we have contact with. It is just as true in adult life as in infancy. We adults often try to cover up our need of each other. Still, the caring relationships bring us life. The other kind end in death.

So our lives are shaped by the goals we set. Everything is either better or worse by our making them so. The upward path takes effort. The downward one is an easy slide.

Ignoring the whole thing is the ultimate silly.

This Forum is about getting our goals right. That means getting our decisions right. Unfortunately for us our world offers a number of dumb, extreme options like good vs. bad, right vs. wrong and either vs. or.

These bad options come from an old world view based on linear and legalistic thinking. All this old fashioned thinking lead us down rigid paths where we are given only two options. The earth is either flat or round - we were told. Not so - with modern science it may be both or something else.

The old linear thinking has had terrible effects on us. We say to a child: you are good or bad, resulting in life long impacts on the individual. We make ourselves guilt-ridden because we think we are really bad. Or, we become insufferable because we think we are good.

Lets take this case of good vs. bad. It would be really dumb to set a goal to be good. What makes sense is to set a goal to be better at something with a specific result in mind. So, instead of the old good vs. bad world, we are in a world where learning comes from the experience of setting goals to become better on something very specific. An example: In five weeks I will have reduced my grumpy spells by 50%.

Our legal systems are based on the old right vs. wrong. They put us in straight jackets that feature blame and punishment. Constructive learning gets lost in the process, and we wonder why prisons dont work.

Thanks to Einstein and others, ours is a world where most things are relative. This new world emphases relationships, learning and growing through the goals we set. This world is based on our access to vast information, resources from which we select what we need to reach our goals.

Unfortunately, there are always those who take things to extremes. Some of these folks end up teaching in universities. Their great error is the proposition that everything is relative. In one stroke they eliminate all religions based on key absolutes. These unfortunate folks dont seem to be aware they have painted themselves into a tragic corner. They have left themselves with the horrific logic that good is no better than bad.

Good is good but better is better!

So, in our new world of both and something besides, we shake off the old linear this or that options. Instead we learn by choosing goals to grow and improve while holding fast to the absolutes we know we need.

A mother of three school-age children wants super success. She has a full time job and a full time family. She is going to show the world that she can be a great success at both.

She and her husband want their children to be tops in school and in athletics. She coaches them every day on their homework. She and her husband drive the children to eight sporting events every week. Sports costs this family thousands of dollars.

She and her husband work to ensure that they have everything they need for their house and yard including a pool and a hot tub. She drives an enormous SUV to work everyday and to sporting events every week.

This family makes sure that they have great and (expensive) holidays. They can easily spend $2,000 on a weekend. This is not a rich family. The money comes from both parents working full bore at well-paying jobs.

This family, for all its success, has a number of big problems. First is time - they dont have any - everything is rushed. Their family meals are as often stand-up as sit-down. They have three computers - which the children use the most. The family has a giant TV that covers half a wall.

This family doesnt worry about the environment as they race on the roads spewing CO2. Nor do they ration their power use in the home and yard.

There is no time for the spiritual nurturing of the children. Each adult has good reasons why they dont need church and/or religion and/or faith. Nobody seems to be asking the key question Whats it all about, Alfie?

Nor is this family reading their danger signs of super success. Anxiety medication is in regular use. Serious bouts of illness dont slow them down. There are only irregular medical checks.

So, in sum, this successful lady thinks she is doing right for her kids and herself when she is probably missing what makes life worthwhile inner joy and a sense of lifes purposes. Worse still she is not preparing her children for a new world of tough financial times and an increasingly dangerous society. Nor is she equipping them for the new world of wildly contentious spiritual choices.

She needs to find goals that replace super success.

The Economist published a piece offering the possibility of a new and hopeful age. It recognized the self-absorption of current generations but then posed indications of a shift to concern for the community.

A chat with a group of young men (25 to 30 years of age) produced the following comments on this:

If we dont do something soon, in 50 years our society will be in the sewer.

I have a young daughter. When she is eighty years old, I want her to have a world worth living in.

All around us we have evidence of a society that has become coarse, confrontational, angry, selfish and pessimistic. This stands in stark contrast to the immediate post WW II society which was thankful for peace, optimistic and trusting our schools, churches and governments.

Is it just possible that we could get our fill of all the extreme media garbage? Are we now realizing that we have been throwing away our precious family and community life values? Could we be starting to see that the frantic chase for the almighty dollar ends up in sorrow?

If any of this is possible, then it is time for each of us to do what he/she can. What is that? As the bumper sticker says, Do one unselfish and kindly act today.

Imagine how different life would be for us all if we each set that as our daily goal?

Fifty years ago, goal-setting wasnt so important and helpful as it is today. That is because life today is totally different. Now, we live in a high-speed, tech driven world where everything is diverse and our options are endless.

Today we have alternative lifestyles, alternative medicines, alternative sexuality, alternative religions and alternative foods. Life has become so alternative that it is easy to get lost in the rat race with no time to wonder why.

Into this great muddle comes goal setting. Why? Because when we set a goal we, like magic, take a step above the muddle. A goal brings focus to our attention and our actions. We concentrate. In a short time we succeed in achieving a step forward. Suddenly we find hope. We are encouraged to try another. We gain a sense of purpose. All the distractions now take second place.

Social science research has proven the great value of goal-setting. To be successful, a goal must be specific, achievable and practical. It needs to have a short range target date and a clear definition of results. It works best if there is a friend who knows, supports and helps us keep track.

Goal-setting is now common knowledge. Businesses are now built on goals. However families have yet to adopt goals as a necessary family life skill. We have a big job to demonstrate their value to our children and grandchildren. As these children enter our new society of endless alternatives, they will need goal-setting skills to keep their heads above water.

Goal-setting is like everything else in life - after all the talk - nothing happens until we do it now. Experience is our great teacher. Talk is cheap: experience is golden.

In Part I we saw that our culture is isolating individuals and fragmenting families. Here are two things we can do about it:

Families need to work on their togetherness:

Regular meals together are vital.

Family fun times should be on the weekly schedule.

With home and community projects work becomes the family glue.

There is no substitute for family prayers.

The second big fix comes from the experience and research of the family service professionals. While counseling has an uncertain record, goal-setting has proven to be effective. Families that set goals do better. For goals to work they need to be written:

Goals are practical when short term (6 to 8 weeks).

The focus is a specific need.

The desired results must be spelled out.

They work best with a confidential friend who helps keep track.

The magic of goal-setting is that it brings clear focus and progress under conditions of confusion and frustration.

The New Hope Covenant website suggests goals and gives a simple goal sheet to keep track.

In two parts we will discuss the big problem with our culture, then what we can do.

Our western culture is conspiring to isolate us as individuals and work against our family solidarity. For decades, sociologists have urged us in a Quest for Community. Now, much later, our social problems are much bigger and the quest more desperate.

Whats wrong with our culture? Our super powerful financial world (banks, credit card and insurance companies) control us as individuals and our justice system deals with individuals, seldom families. Our high tech world is designing gadgets for use by individuals. Our big governments and businesses love to offer us solo goodies (rights, votes, quick health and wellness fixes) for votes and profits.

All this seduction draws us away from what is left of the places we belong and which provide us with basic nurturing. Schools, churches and even families now are failing to provide the interpersonal intimacy from which we derive our purpose and worth.

Road rage, school bullying, asthma, anxiety, attention deficits and so on have their roots in the insecurities of being on our own in an unfriendly world.

Despite all this evidence we still march for individual freedoms with justice and diversity banners. We still hope the new government leaders will make things better.

Our Western culture is providing a field day for terrorists and extremists of all shapes and colours. Our beliefs, values and heritage are up for grabs. We keep pull downing flags and thumb our noses at churches just like we did in the good old 50s and 60s.

Without a community or national sense of purpose we are ready to give away all that generations have worked for including our safety and the wholesome education of our children.

With all self absorption mania, we are finding that our health, learning, and safety problems are outstripping our personal and government budgets. Having discarded our safety nets, we are now fully exposed to the chilling winds which are shredding us and our families.........

Research has proven that a simple goal can greatly relieve family problems.

Most of us have more family challenges than we can handle. When it gets overwhelming there is a simple way to make things better. A simple, immediate goal that has a target date and results, can suddenly clear the air. Why? Because as soon as we focus on getting one thing done, all the others are less pressure. Having done one thing well, we can turn to the next with confidence.

How do we know this is real? Research with very troubled families in Atlanta proved it. The Salvation Army there wasnt serving the troubled families adequately. A study was commissioned and found many troubled Atlanta families with children at high risk of school drop-out, teen pregnancy and delinquency. In fact, the risk to the children goes through the roof with each new major family problem.

The service/research project, called New Hope, served 120 most troubled families. 75% of them set goals, 55% achieved goals. School drop out stopped.

The family goals-setting was simple:

Pick a high need area - many picked child school adjustment.

Set a short-term, special, practical goal - 5 or 6 weeks.

Define the target date and the expected results.

Have someone alongside to encourage and help keep track.

This is the approach which achieved a 55% success rate when the study target was 35%.

For help with your goals, you'll find The New Hope Covenants website ready with goal suggestions and the steps all on one page.

Bert is a blogger. His interest is family finances. Somehow, a rogue e-mail got sent out. A reader was very angry. It took Bert five days and nights before he could settle down to his blog again.

Bert, later, thought about the high cost he paid in time, worry and energy from one rogue incident. After discussing it with his wife, he decided to find a way to deal with such anxieties. He is smart enough to know that life has a string of daily anxieties just waiting for him.

He went to the internet for ideas and found www.newhopecovenants.org. The web site shows how to use goals to deal with challenges, good or bad. And do it quickly and effectively. He decided to try it.

First, the Covenant said to write a short term goal. His goal was When anxiety comes, I will deal with it within 24 hours then move on.

Next, the Covenant site said to pick a target date to make it. He picked 8 weeks. Then he had to decide what was success. He said In any week, not more than one anxiety will cost me 48 hours.

To make sure he followed through on this goal, the Covenant advised him to ask someone else to help him keep track. His wife volunteered and immediately was helpful by asking what he would do to meet the goal.

They talked about different things he could do:

Bert said he would do his best in all these. He asked his wife to remind him of them.

In the middle of all this, a small miracle occurred. He suddenly had a new problem. To his surprise, he stayed cool and dealt with it within a few hours.

What really happened here? The anxiety got dealt with because he had decided he would. The mere setting of the goal and the discussion changed his attitude to troubling incidents. The result was more problem-solving and less anxiety.

A year later Bert is still meeting his short term goal.

Setting goals that say what will be done by when, reshapes our thinking, our feelings and our actions.

We listen in to Richards talk with his angel.........

Angel:   Your goal for your kids is..?

Richard:   Happiness

Angel:   You mean like you?

Richard:   Funny! - real happiness

Angel:   What then?

Richard:   Security, good home, good job, enough money, good health

Angel:   But you have all those and youre not sure youre happy

Richard:   I dont want them to repeat my struggles

Angel:   What makes you think they wont have tragedy, illness, heartbreak?

Richard:   I guess theres no guarantee

Angel:   Theres no goal with better odds?

Richard:   You mean some kind of religion?

Angel:   Maybe, what did your parents give you?

Richard:   Good question!

Angel:   When youre dying, how will you answer?

Richard:   Then, the answer would be family

Angel:   So why not now?

Richard:   You know how to get me in a corner

Angel:   Its your corner, whats next?

Richard:   You mean I need to do some family homework?

Angel:   You could start with your family goal

Richard:   Do hugs count?

Angel:   Theyre great, but first write your family goal

Richard:   Like what?

Angel:   We will do family things together: meals with conversation, walks, games, quiet times, prayer, reading together

Richard:   And how do I know if there are working?

Angel:   They start asking for them!

This Covenant site is about choices - how to make good ones that work. Why do these choices seal our fate? Because we can choose well or our choices can create more problems for ourselves or others.

Not long ago, marriage was forever, the house was the family home and the job lasted until retirement. Now, we are in an option world where marriages average 15 years, we move every five years and we have at least 5 different jobs.

So, in our world, we continually face new options and choices. Many are very scary because we end up living with them.

We may want to correct a bad choice. In a sense that is good; in another sense it only gets us back to ground zero. However, if we go for a good option we have the hope things will be better. The moral of this is that setting new goals is much more constructive than always trying to solve problems.

In the spiritual realm, we face huge options. With Christianity or Islam a choice here reduces lifes options in a big way. On the other hand, if we choose to stay free we will have a life of ever increasing options. Some call that New Age.

So, we all face many options. The Covenant urges us to pick one, clear goal and have a friend help us do it. Achieving one clear goal clears the air for the other options we might want to consider.

We have spiritual backgrounds lasting at least 5,000 years. Now, however, things are different. The churches are confusing because they are confused. They can't agree on what Christianity is or Islam is. That doesn't help us. Besides, science is coming up with new answers every day. The growing spiritual interest is called New Age. It says we find our spirituality by searching till we find what works for us. Then there are all the other world religions with many followers.

In the meantime, what do we do, if anything? The philosophers remind us this is a risky game. What if we make the wrong choice? Science says start with one goal. The great philosopher Kierkegaard says purity of heart is to will one thing. So, the smart move may be to keep it simple and start with one goal. If this is right, then we don't have to listen to all those folks who think they know the right answer.

Here's a tip on the fundamentals of faith - there are five essentials: transformation, belief, prayer, belonging to a group and service to others. It doesn't matter where we start on any of these. One leads to another. For another tip on setting a goal, check out The New Hope Covenants website, pick a goal and get started!

Helen is burnt out - her time, energy and interests have been sucked out of her. School, work, family and travel are all speeding up - she's falling behind more every day. She's like the runner who hit the wall - it means disoriented, drained and nauseated.

It's all too much:

Theres more.................

There are lots of fixes:

Then there are lots of escapes:

Is there a goal in all this?

Why do we get lost in all this confusion and fragmentation? Is it because we've lost our sense of purpose?

If that is it, then one clear goal will work wonders. It will bring focus reducing all the distractions. When we do it, we succeed in cutting through the cycles of the rat race. One good step leads to more good steps.

Do simple steps for a personal goal, to help get you started see our suggested goals on The New Hope Covenants website.

The Christian churches have such a muddle of well intentioned goals, no wonder Jesus' goal has got lost.

He had a single purpose - get people to join God's club. He taught, healed and admonished. The biggest miracle was that his straggling gang of followers turned the world upside down.

How did He reach his goal?

What was His message:

If One Person can show these results with one goal, that should be encouraging for the rest of us. Check out The New Hope Covenants pages for help to do it.

We live in an IN world. We are caught IN traffic, a dumb relationship, a useless job, a bad habit, the rat race and the Internet

Ask a professional counselor and you see we all are IN a bunch of systems. Each has its own idea of what we are to be. Theres the family system, the work system, the traffic system, the internet system, the media system and the technology system. Its the technology system we must watch most carefully - theyre being designed to shape our lives.

Result: there is no me! Im a product in an assembly line and I cant get off the belt. Im a number but not a person!

The way out is simple, quick and it works! Pick one, immediate goal and someone who cares to follow you doing it.

Why is this so real? Because I decide whats good for me and do it now. The thing is it doesnt matter too much what I pick. As soon as I do it my life is different. I have changed and Im on the road to a new life.

Why so simple? Because life is no longer normal. Instead it is so complex it is smothering. We strike a blow for freedom when WE decide our next step - not the system.

In the face of all this we must find our way out by GOING FOR THE GOAL. For help go to How Do I Do It page on The New Hope Covenants website, it will get you started.

In part I we looked at the legal and logical sides of our spiritual muddle. Now, we take another step trying to make sense of Christianity our traditional religion.

Gandhi said Christianity is the greatest religion in the world and he would be one if he could see one. He is right. We have muddled up Christianity by too much talk, too many theories, too many quotations, and too much money. It is hard to find two Christians that can explain it too much mumbo jumbo and very little logic.

It is logical for a person to decide if life is good or bad. That is a simple choice. It is also logical for that person to decide if love is at the center of life. That too is a simple choice. Lets assume that this person opts for the sunny side and says OK, I choose to believe that life is good, that it makes sense and that math, music and the genome are good evidence for a universe of order.

Now what does that person do about Christianity? How does one see beyond the mumbo jumbo of todays faith debates? One direct and easy way is to see what the Founder said and did. It is not difficult to glean from the New Testament the gist of Jesus and his mission. His rules for life are spelled out. They go against our nature and society but they are clear.

It also is not difficult to see Jesus mission. He used the word kingdom. His message about the kingdom is that His followers need to stick together, pray and go out to help others. Thats it!

One reason why Christianity is made so confusing is that we cant stand the straight talk and clear direction Jesus has for us.

So, there it is. There is the legal road and the logical road. Everybody chooses his faith one way or another. His life then gets shaped by that faith.

There are two reasons why we are all in a muddle about faith. The one reason is legal; the other reason is logical.

On the legal side, why can one person change the rules for a whole community by some objection on a matter of faith? We have a legal system built as much on precedents as on laws. Precedents created by judges are used by lawyers to change our community. Statues come down, or are put up, based on this.

Why, in the first place, would one individual want to change the faith practices of a community? Would a person, confident in his own faith, be troubled by the faith practices of others? Or, would the person unsure about his faith resent the faith practices of others?

Here is where we need the help of logic.

What logically is faith, anyway? Isnt it the answer a person makes to the biggest question Whats it all about, anyway?

Thats a logical question for which there can be a logical answer. A person selects his own answer to the big question. That is logic but not science. Science deals only with what is observable. The faith question requires a bigger answer, which comes from a choice of matters far beyond our senses.

So, were in a time when faith is an active issue. That is good. It is tough, however, when there seems to be so many different faith answers and practices. It is also tough to live in a time when the lesson of thousands of years of the big religions isnt understood. These lessons are being ignored in the arrogant assumption that we know more about the big question of life than all those millions of believers before us.

So, were back with the big question Whats it all about, anyway? When we each focus on that choice, we will become more tolerant of others facing the same tough choice.

To help you focus on a choice check out the New Hope Covenants website. It will help you focus on your choice.

There is a big debate about evolution going on. The Creationists think God made things as they are and that's largely it! The Evolutionists say, with the biologists, that everything is unfolding. Then there are those who say everything changes but in cycles so that we always end up where we started.

Now we have another view where God and evolution work together. This is the view of Teilhard de Chardin, a French Jesuit Priest, Paleontologist, Philosopher, Biologist and author of The Phenomenon of Man, who sees the sweep of change in everything which shows how God is doing things.

Getting down to our practical lives, the big question is "Does what I do make any difference?" Asked another way, Is there such a thing as progress? We look at wars and say no. But we look at the murder rate over seven centuries and the rate has dropped 98%. We see people dying of horrible diseases but the miracle drugs are making most lives better.

Some believe in progress. Rick Warren, author of The Purpose Driven Life, says the Bible tells us to "make every effort" at least 80 times. Bishop Stephen Neil says God made a world where there are things we can change, especially in us, and things we can't change.

The bottom line here is that life has meaning because we strive to meet goals. That means we need to be clear and specific about goals for our lives.

That is where the New Hope Covenant website can help. Check it out and see for yourself.

Look at some of the many decisions we are facing these days:

In some families, the kids (from infants up) are allowed to be in charge.

Rights movements battle for decision powers in education and jobs.

Groups and levels of government are at war on abortion and euthanasia decisions.

Women's rights groups want shifts in male/female decision powers.

Churches are tearing apart over decisions on homosexuality.

Corporations and governments vie for awesome powers on health care and pensions.

No wonder we have problems getting decisions right.

Where does all this leave the little guy? What say does he/she have in life? Maybe we should keep our own decisions to ourselves and not let others make them for us. Why should we let all these other folks do our thinking for us?

Maybe the best idea is to take one thing, decide and do it. That's what The New Hope Covenants website helps us with. Check it out, find a friend, pick a goal and, as Nike says, Just Do it!

The changes in life from genetics and technology, that we now see, are tiny compared with what's coming. Scientists, like Dr. Ray Kurzweil (inventor, entrepreneur and author of The Age of Intelligent Machines) predicts we will have cures for cancer and Aids within 20 years. Technology will be as inseparable from life as genetics.

Dr. Kurzweil is a prominent spokesman for science. He says all science progress depends upon four goal-setting truths:

Change occurs one-at-a-time

Growth happens midst increasing complexity of life

Changes take hold slowly as they are built in

Change and growth trump chaos

To get started, check out the New Hope Covenants website further, gather a friend and get a goal.

Alcoholism impacts every part of family life - work, health, finances, and relationships including children. Alcoholics Anonymous has a great record of successes. It is one of the few social remedies that can make that claim.

AA is built on their 12 step program. That starts with the first step - which is: I can't get myself out of my mess.

The AA story sounds familiar to most of us. I'm in a muddle, it's affecting my family and others and my best efforts aren't working. My problem is what do I do now? AA says: Take the first step.

Another illustration comes from an Atlanta study of multi-problem families and their high risk children. The study, sponsored by The Salvation Army, found British research that showed risks to children (crime, drugs, pregnancy, school drop-out) rose exponentially with the number of major family problems (abuse, unemployment, finance, housing, illness).

In the Atlanta case, an astute committee member pointed out that the reverse would also be true, i.e. deal with one major family problem and risks to children drop dramatically. Again, a case of doing one thing right.

AA says, Admit you're in a mess". Christianity says, "Turn around". Common sense says, Start by doing one thing right.

Take the First Step, the lesson in all three cases. Since most of us are in some sort of muddle, which continues despite our best efforts, the message is Pick one good step now.

If you need help starting, check out the New Hope Covenants website to help find YOUR first step here.

We all have two or three really close friends - folks we can level with. They may be family, work mates, club members or neighbors. When we get together the small talk is great - it reminds us that we are close and have things in common.

But, most of us also have something we know we have got to do. While small talk is great it can be a cover for not dealing with our thing. If we can put it off, we will put it off.

On the other hand, is there a safer place to level than with these friends? A couple of trusted friends or relatives are the safest places we have. Besides, they probably would be supportive if we hinted we had something we needed to deal with.

A Goal for the Group

The leaders of a small congregation met to discuss future directions. The consensus was that small groups should be a vital part. After much discussion about what group to start, it dawned on the leaders that they should do it first before expecting others to do it.

Then the question became what do we do? The opinions were so varied that no single idea did it. Then someone suggested that maybe what we need to start our own seekers group. That word caught on. Then the question again became what do we do. The answer came through a simple goal:

A group will meet four times over two months to find out what faith questions we have.

Six of the leaders met. They found so many faith questions they kept going for nearly two years.

This is where the Covenants can help. We can help each other set a specific, practical goal - we don't have to tell the whole story to them all. We can select one person to share the goal and ask for help keeping track.

This is where Covenants got started. A small group of close friends decided each to set a personal goal. Without telling the group what the goal was, each asked another to be Sponsor. Then at the next meetings, they checked each other out. They found good starts on renewed attention to family, getting back to daily meditation in the face of a health scare and great lowering of stress.

Remember, Covenants are absolutely private and absolutely free. Your group can check it out in detail on The New Hope Covenants website. Try it. It will work for you.

Is there anyone who doesnt see that life is getting quicker, more complex, crowded and uncertain? In the middle of our constant travel, endless choices and media bombardment, does anyone wonder why our lives are FRAGMENTED?

The cure for fragmentation is to find purpose. The way to find purpose is to set a specific goal. Goal setting is now common, but not always with the best results. There are two big reasons why - too much and too little.

The Too Much Problem

A child and family mental health center adopted goal setting in all its treatment services. In a year 1,000 goals could be set with the hundreds of families. The big question was - how do we know weve got the goals right? A study was done of all goals for all families for a time period. The study showed that less than 100 goals covered most of the family needs - the center could select from a much shorter list of goals.

The center also woke up to the big dumb goal mistake, i.e. If one goal is good; two goals would be twice as good. Thats dumb because more goals mean less focus - which loses the purpose of goals.

The Too Little Problem

When goal-setting became a key practice in the helping services, goals were set in large numbers - making that big dumb mistake. It got worse because folks set goals but couldnt tell which goal got what results. Then it was discovered that goal setting is only a part of a bigger thing. That was when MBO (Management by Objectives) was replaced by MBR (Management by Results).

The big lesson was that goals are nearly useless without indicators of results. The challenge of goal setting became deciding what results we are after. When we decide on results, we can select what will tell us where we got them. At the same time, we pick a short term deadline to make things practical. The key results question is: What do you want to see in six weeks?

The skeptics say you cant measure human relationships. The evaluators say For a couple with marital problems, eye contact is not a bad indicator of results. So, the art of indicator selection became part of the goal setting process.

Try it and see.

You can see how this works for you by checking out The New Hope Covenants website in detail.

Slavery comes in many forms:

In our world, whole nations are enslaved by dictators of various kinds. Terrorists want to enslave. Many nations have recently been freed from enslavement.

Freedom comes in many ways:

We have two different worlds - the have and the have-not nations. The have nations claim freedom is their chief value. They also claim freedom brings peace.

But there is a big problem. The free nations sponsor wars in the slaved nations by shipping arms and soldiers. Besides, the free nations seem to have more problems at home than they can handle.

Why is this? Whats so good about freedom?

The sages have a different message for us (and it doesnt include freedom):

Maybe freedom is not the best thing in the world and slavery not the worst. The sages tell us that our circumstances are less important than loving, helping and trusting.

This is a liberating message for both the free and slave.

This calls for very big decisions. What better use for the Covenant than this?

We seem to be in a big muddle about our spiritual nature. In times past, the major religions had the corner on the spiritual market. Now it is all up for grabs with the latest spirituality trend.

Our history doesnt help much since religious history is cluttered with things best left. Yet there is a cloud of ancestors whose lives seemed centered in their faith. So its a puzzle.

We now can make the puzzle less by getting the old argument of science vs. religion behind us. They answer different questions. Science is focused on What and How whereas religion is focused on Who and Why. So all these efforts to prove or disprove God is just nonsense. Just as it is silly to try to use the Bible to tell us about our physical nature.

There is another side road we can (or should) avoid. Some spirituality evangelists want us to believe that we can decide for ourselves what spirituality works for us. Now, faith involves an individuals decision. But, what kind of person ignores centuries of spiritual experience in making his own, personal and fateful decision? It has taken millions of people thousands of years to try to figure out what lifes all about. What chance has one person all on his own?

The great faiths are a better bet than this self-righteousness. Their common, central message is: God is here to help us live well.

Now comes the tough part for each person. Faith is a decision and therefore each of us gets to choose and live with the consequences.

There are some comforting thoughts for those facing the big decision:

- All of life and nature is based on elegant design.

- The genome is a sign of a master maker.

- Love is lifes most important thing.

- Jesus proclaimed Gods presence and lived to prove it.

The purpose of the Covenant is to encourage important decisions. Is there a more important one?

Our companion blog, eye-on-the-family.blogspot.com has just offered a holistic view of the family. Its point is that family members need a clear vision of their family to be truly members.

In this view, individuals dont make families: families make the members.

As

Team members dont make a team: the team makes the players every coach knows.

As

Individuals dont make a nation: a nation makes its people.

In all, the vision precedes the body which precedes the membership.

We have a hot illustration of this truth in the Middle East. That region has more than its share of hatred which is resulting in a reign of terror. Efforts to deal with individual nations will continue to fail because the region hasnt decided what it is or what it stands for. Without the whole, the parts are adrift at sea.

Those wishing to aid the Middle East should call on it to declare itself and describe what help it needs. At that point, outsiders stand a good chance of making things better. Just now, the outside efforts, however intended, are making thinking worse.

In the Western view of freedom, the general assumption is that individual freedom is sacred. Such folks should check with their own spiritual sources. They will find that, in the Christian view, the Body is the most sacred, the members next.

So the family makes its members, the team its players, the church makes the faithful, the nations its people and our world, its nations.

The goals that we set for ourselves will be much more realistic once we have our vision and priorities right.

Covenant goal setting becomes helpful once we decide where we belong.

There is one sure thing about the devil. We all have a piece of him built into our genes. We were born with him. Hes here to stay. Freud said so. Einstein said so. The Bible says so.

The job of the devil in us is to mess up every good thing we try to do. So our job is how to deal with the bad dude. Here are three different ways:

One option is to enjoy him. Hes full of fun and thrills. Most of them easily become addictive. He seems to have the market on the things that are most exciting. So why not go with his flow?

We all know the consequences of giving in to his impulses. They look great, sound great but they end up changing us into slaves to the thing we chose. We easily can learn too late that the thrill wears off fast. Then were stuck doing our own thing which is usually a deep hole.

Our second option is to fight him. We will turn our back when he shows up. In a weak moment, we will grit our teeth. Or we can get so busy theres not time for his ideas. Well do sports, meetings, study - all to keep ahead of him.

The problem here is that this guy knows our weak spots. And he never gives us. We end up exhausted from trying to do the right thing only to have him standing there grinning at us.

This option is for stoics who think they can outwit and outlast the nasty.

The third option is what Alcoholics Anonymous and the great religions of the world have learned. It is - get a bigger passion - get out of the nasty guys league.

In this option, we say we cant win playing his games in his league. We will turn to a higher power and turn over control of our lives. Hundred of millions of folks have said thats the only way.

This comes down to whom I belong to. If it is myself, we know the result - a deep hole. If it is endless busyness, the result is exhaustion. If it is the Lord, we give the old life away and get a new one. In that new one the dominant passion becomes love and thats the one thing the bad guy cant beat.

A Covenant is a great help for someone needing to make this life changing choice.

Why was this good man not a good team leader? He worked in an organization with an old fashioned top-down structure. He had read books and took workshops on team leadership. He wanted to lead by the new style. So what did he do?

He politely asked each member for views on each agenda item. Naturally he got a variety. In good style, he supported the views as they were voiced. Then he had a problem. How can he put all these different things together so that it makes sense and satisfies everyone? Obviously, he couldnt. So, he reverted to style and made his own view the decision.

The team members left the meeting. Two hours later they went back to do what they were going to do anyway.

What didnt our leader get about team leadership? Obviously, he didnt give the team the job of finding good solutions. If he had done that, his job would have been very different. Instead of trying to play Solomon, he could have spent his time helping the members do their teamwork jobs - sharing and combining their views.

If he had done that, the team members would have left the meeting responsible for doing what the team agreed to.

This leader had a goal problem. His real goal was to extract solutions from the members. We could only call him a team leader if his goal had been to enable the team to make its decisions.

It comes down to getting the goal right. This is where The New Hope Covenants website can be helpful.

Rita is a single parent with three kids. Shes got such a muddle of problems. She doesnt know what to do first.

Shes got some welfare income for her two preschoolers. She works at the coffee shop - a neighbor sits when shes at work. Her youngest has asthma - she hasnt found how to get the medicine. Her oldest is in grade two but is having temper tantrums in the classroom. A doctor prescribed medication for Ritas depression.

Rita and her husband are separated. He visits but doesnt provide support. They argue which upsets the children as well as themselves. She has tried to get a divorce with some support - her husband has a job but spends his money with his drinking pals.

This picture is all too familiar. Rita rushes from one problem to another, never gets ahead and doesnt see how things are going to get any better. How can she handle the combination of money, medicines, school, husband/divorce and depression problems?

The answer: Not likely, at least not without some help.

What help does she need? There are helpers, somewhere, for each of her problems. But how can she get time for this help and how does she decide what comes first? Unless she can do one good thing at-a-time, she wont get ahead.

There are two ways Rita can find some focus in her life. The first could come from friends or relatives. Does she have a couple of folks who care enough to hang in and help her decide what to do first and how to do it? This will require trust. Rita doesnt need a gossip club - she needs serious attention and support.

The second way is for her to find a case manager. Who is that? Its a professional from an agency who will help Rita get a support team from the various agencies already involved. The problem these agencies have is cooperating on a plan just for Rita. Thats called case management. The key to this is finding the right professional.

The right plan for Rita will help her get a focus on doing one good thing first. Thats the purpose of the New Hope Covenants website. Rita may not have a computer that works, but a good friend or library does.

Further, seeing others have similar problems lets Rita know she is not alone. Blogs like eye-on-the-family.blogspot.com allow Rita and others share and link anonymously.

Family credit card debt is nearing five figures.

Most families can hardly make it with two jobs.

While adults are overworked, kids drown in unhealthy words, music and images.

In the old days, the family, church and school were on the same page. Kids were much clearer about themselves and family life was more stable. Now that all three are in a muddle, families and kids are less stable.

Another trio has taken over. Business has created our mall money world, governments try to give us the good life and the media pound us with thousands of 15 second bites every day.

The big question is how much control does the family still have? Or, do these power systems fragment the family by their impact on the members?

There are good community agencies that support families somewhat. Their problem is that they are fragmented too. They each have their own way of helping. They dont usually take the time to see if one form of family help fits with another.

If there is new hope for the family, here are some clues:

• Families must find ways to make family decisions, together.
• Families cant expect someone to bail them out.
• New community efforts are needed to bring help together for each family.

A good friends favorite saying is Define the problem and youre well on the way to the solution.

We, Western Society has a problem that is so big, we cant see it. To discover our problem we look at the symptoms, then ask Why?

So what are our symptoms? Well, we are busting to be successful. Were obsessed by rights, freedoms and control. We are threatened by terrorists. Our pace is just below supersonic. We live in a world of extremes. On the highways, between different groups, in the media, in our debt - were extreme.

Now why are we going to extremes? Often, because we are bored or our expectations are unrealistic. But mostly because we dont know where we are going. When pushed to the wall, to say what our lives are all about, we stutter and stammer and then fight back.

In the song, Alfie was asked Whats It All About?. If thats the right question there are several answers: one is - ask the boss; another is - spend your life finding yourself; still another is - let your friends and loved ones work on this together.

Theres a problem with the third and obvious option here, we dont want to share control of our lives and thats why were left stumbling on our own.

The classical solution to our problem: trust your dear friends in your family or group; be real with them; tell them the good and the bad; let them give you their combined wisdom which is the best youll ever get.

Then, trust them and go make one good, clear decision and let someone help you to keep it.

Empowerment is a big deal these days. Everyone wants to be empowered. Why? - because we feel powerless in our world where money, governments, technology, the media and the big guys, rule.

There are folks walking around who say there is no ultimate source of power - there is no god. Mostly, however, Christians and non-Christians believe there is a God but say they need their own source of power. They can get lots of help trying to convince themselves that finding their inner selves reveals their own source of power. This is the current way in the Western world - the motto is Rights and Freedom. This is self-empowerment.

Disney, however disagrees. Over the entrance to Disney world is a sign with our title - Teamwork - The Ultimate Source of Power. Disney has it right - they just don't know why. They know that teams do things impossible for individuals. Experience tells them that. They just don't get the connection with God, the Ultimate Source of Power. These days, even most Christians are confused about this.

Ask 10 Christians what they believe - you get 10 different answers - besides the standard line that everybody knows. Press them hard enough and you find they resent you asking because faith is personal. You also find that they think they are the best judge of what to believe and the right way for themselves. Another name for this is designer faith. Yet another name is New Age.

So, what is the real story about empowerment and teamwork. The answer, still good after 2,000 years, is found in bible language which is hard to understand and in church doctrines that are nearly impossible to understand.

So, in language that Disney understands, we are born powerless, in our teens we try to get it and later we settle for something much less. The other way is to say - OK I'm powerless, I'll find a group that has power. Teams who believe their group is led by God feel they know the power source. To join such a group, they merely have to say " I'm powerless, likely to screw up and I want to be with others who believe God cares enough to help" - That is what is meant by conversion.

In Christian teams, conversion is the way in, but not the way. The way to the power source is the team that asks how do we help each other follow the lifestyle demonstrated by Jesus. That is a lifelong learning process that means personal transformation, finding the source of power for oneself and others. This is what is meant by salvation.

So, empowerment is found in lifelong teamwork with folks who believe God is with them. In the team, their lives are reshaped - they see power as the privilege of helping others. They also see how futile most other power searches are.

In the West there are certainly over a million counselors. They come with very different theories of how to help. They come from many different professions. And there's a lot who come from no particular profession.

The first problem is that research on counseling is not very encouraging. Many studies simply say folks do just as well on their own as with a counselor. The second problem is that many counselors advise based on their own personal experience which may not apply to others. The third problem is how to tell if the counselor is legitimate and moral. This is not to say that there are not some excellent counselors - the problem is how to know for sure.

The even bigger problem is that we are spending billions on counseling - mostly by our health care, education and social service tax dollars plus our donations to churches and charities. It is hard to see how we can justify all this spending based on uncertain results.

Then there is money. Some counselors live in million dollar homes, have a second home or yacht or both. You need to get, up-front, the fee schedule in writing. You need regular statements. If you are in a crisis, involve a friend with a cool business head. In dealing with lawyers insist they use English.

On the constructive side, what do we know? We know that the person of the counselor is key - does he/she listen, care and respond to other's real needs? Dialogue with the skillful, right person is therapeutic.

We also know that we learn and grow in small, short-term steps given a specific goal and someone helping us keep on track. Check out the covenant here.

So what do we do? If we need help, we need help and worrying all on our own usually doesn't do it. So we start checking out counselors - with their clients, friends and enemies. Then we go try some. It's smart to make an appointment - say what you want and see what you get. First impressions are usually very important.

After all that, start and don't dally - delay is usually a bad idea. If it starts to work for you - fine. If not, don't waste your and their time - there's lots more to choose from.

Finally, counseling is not a substitute for living. If you don't have at least one good trusted friend go make one before you start down the counseling road.

Over the past few decades, the main Christian denominations seem, successfully, to have made themselves irrelevant. Congregational leaders are so busy dealing with the roof, old words, the choir, the budget, old ideas, the committee, etc. there's little time for the big things. Except, of course, the issues like gay rights and abortion where they are exhausting themselves on suicidal missions.

All this accounts for the death of the churches that has swept Europe, turned Canada officially into a godless nation and is working its way down to challenge the U.S. Bible belt. While there are pockets of vital Christian community, our 18 to 45 age groups ignore the churches and their messages.

This is weird given the 2,000 year impact of Christianity and the single most influential Person of our history. Christianity is supposed to bring new life and hope to people especially those who are somehow, lost. Where has the Lord's spark gone?

Let's try quotes from a great Christian leader, Bishop Stephen Neill.:

"The highest spiritual experience in this life is not rapt contemplation of the divine, but the rendering of disinterested service to the poorest, the lowliest and the lost."

Translated: The Christian life is not about getting a spiritual high; it is getting way down low with our troubled neighbour.

"The Christian church in its early days survived because it was a fellowship of peculiar intensity and mutual loyalty"

Translated: Christian churches need to be open, deeply personal, loving, safe and completely trustworthy

Enough said? Let's try a quote from the great Canadian Christian leader, Jean Vanier:

As we experience community as a body in which we have been called by Jesus to belong to each other, we discover that we are responsible for each other's growth and for the development of each others' gifts. We have the power to call forth the gifts of others or to crush them."

And: "It is Jesus who has called us to this covenant with the poor, our brothers and sisters."

Translated: The missing link? - The Christian bottom line! - The intimate community of Jesus, where folks find God and each other.